So this is Christmas... and what have you done..

Well, it’s been a while. So this might be kind of a long read.

So, it’s nearly Christmas. This seems to be the topic to start on, so I’ll start on it. Most of what I’ve been reading surrounding Christmas so far, is about the rush, the greed, the unpreparedness, and while I have my own thoughts and opinions on that, let me just say that I am totally and completely on board the Christmas train this year. I spent way too much money again, which doesn’t really bother me as much as it probably should. It seems like every year I say to myself, “well, Chris and I don’t have any children yet again this Christmas, so we might as well buy whatever we want for each other.” And it doesn’t take much more argument than that really, to get me to spend a small fortune. I have every single one of my gifts bought, my tree up, and I’ve even had time to wrap all my mother’s gifts for her and do some heavy Christmas baking. So, on that front, I’m pleased. I feel like the concept of ‘Christmas baking’ is important for some reason. I’ve been seeing it a lot on Facebook. – “Have you done any Christmas baking???” And my mother’s, “Wow, you’ve done some great Christmas baking!” So it seems like the thing to be doing when there’s time.
My work gave me a turkey for my bonus this year, which is fine. Chris’ work gave him a ham, so we’re good to go for both Christmas dinner and our New Year’s meal, which we’re spending with my parents and grandparents.
The last few weeks, I’ve been working a lot of hours. Or at least it feels like more than usual. I’m quite tired a lot of the time, and I really don’t have much time or use for people; sad to say. I seem to be disgruntled at everyone and everything, and I feel like I have really good reasons for my anger, but when I really think about it and try to sort it out, I feel at a loss for my feelings. I can’t explain them away and I feel them intensely, and the truth of the matter is, if I haven’t blown up at you, it’s probably just because I haven’t gotten to you yet.
Like I said, I’m at a loss for finding reasons behind these feelings. And I don’t want to be feeling this way inside. It’s the Christmas season, after all. Time for merriment and all that. I don’t think it has anything to do with hormones, really. More to do with being stressed out, I think. I feel like the Christmas season owes me something in the way of happiness. I give to it and have been giving to it, probably since December started. But I’m really not feeling the love back. It’s like, Christmas time promises some sense of hope and peace and wellbeing when it comes around each year, but this year it’s not been keeping its promise to me so far.
I guess I’m like any kid when it comes to waiting on the actual day and presents and things. It took way too long to get here, and now that it’s here, I’d kind of like it to slow down and let me linger in it for a while.
Today being Sunday, I had dinner with my parents at their house. I wrapped some presents for my mom, and then came home to face my kitchen and make some cookies and a macaroni and cheese casserole for my brother’s work party tomorrow night. I won’t get time to make anything tomorrow, because, well, I’m super busy all the time at work. My brother’s sad and single and so he invited me to go with him to his party for work. I’m glad to go, and I hope it serves to boost my spirits a bit, but really I’m just wondering if I can spare the time to go and have fun. I have a lot of other things on my mind. Tuesday afternoon is the Daycare Christmas party, and I have to be *on* for that. And make the food and prepare the activities and get Santa ready and give out gifts and that sort of thing. When I think about it, it sounds like a lot of fun, but I know inside that it’ll just be more busyness.
On top of those things, the Dentist is coming to town on Tuesday as well and I need to see him. I couldn’t be more afraid of the Dentist if I tried to be, and it just feels like doom and gloom looming over me.
Then on Wednesday, it’s the Children’s Christmas Program at the ‘big school’, so I have to go and get my kids to say their parts. Though with little kids, you can never know what they’re gonna do. Whether they’ll say their lines, throw up, pee... well, we’ll find out.
You’re listening to the rantings of someone who really needs some time off. I was asked if I wanted to do a float with my kids for the children’s parade that went ahead yesterday, and I said no. I felt bad and I still do, but I just couldn’t do it. I selfishly needed my Saturday. Oh well.
I get a few days off over Christmas, and I get off for holidays on Friday morning, so that’s not so bad. But between now and then, it’s really busy. And then after that, my department is throwing a Christmas Eve bash like they do every year, so I have to work at that on Saturday, and I hope I feel a lot better before then, because my heart is just not in it at the moment.