Well, it’s been a while. So this might be kind of a long read.
So, it’s nearly Christmas. This seems to be the topic to start on, so I’ll start on it. Most of what I’ve been reading surrounding Christmas so far, is about the rush, the greed, the unpreparedness, and while I have my own thoughts and opinions on that, let me just say that I am totally and completely on board the Christmas train this year. I spent way too much money again, which doesn’t really bother me as much as it probably should. It seems like every year I say to myself, “well, Chris and I don’t have any children yet again this Christmas, so we might as well buy whatever we want for each other.” And it doesn’t take much more argument than that really, to get me to spend a small fortune. I have every single one of my gifts bought, my tree up, and I’ve even had time to wrap all my mother’s gifts for her and do some heavy Christmas baking. So, on that front, I’m pleased. I feel like the concept of ‘Christmas baking’ is important for some reason. I’ve been seeing it a lot on Facebook. – “Have you done any Christmas baking???” And my mother’s, “Wow, you’ve done some great Christmas baking!” So it seems like the thing to be doing when there’s time.
My work gave me a turkey for my bonus this year, which is fine. Chris’ work gave him a ham, so we’re good to go for both Christmas dinner and our New Year’s meal, which we’re spending with my parents and grandparents.
The last few weeks, I’ve been working a lot of hours. Or at least it feels like more than usual. I’m quite tired a lot of the time, and I really don’t have much time or use for people; sad to say. I seem to be disgruntled at everyone and everything, and I feel like I have really good reasons for my anger, but when I really think about it and try to sort it out, I feel at a loss for my feelings. I can’t explain them away and I feel them intensely, and the truth of the matter is, if I haven’t blown up at you, it’s probably just because I haven’t gotten to you yet.
Like I said, I’m at a loss for finding reasons behind these feelings. And I don’t want to be feeling this way inside. It’s the Christmas season, after all. Time for merriment and all that. I don’t think it has anything to do with hormones, really. More to do with being stressed out, I think. I feel like the Christmas season owes me something in the way of happiness. I give to it and have been giving to it, probably since December started. But I’m really not feeling the love back. It’s like, Christmas time promises some sense of hope and peace and wellbeing when it comes around each year, but this year it’s not been keeping its promise to me so far.
I guess I’m like any kid when it comes to waiting on the actual day and presents and things. It took way too long to get here, and now that it’s here, I’d kind of like it to slow down and let me linger in it for a while.
Today being Sunday, I had dinner with my parents at their house. I wrapped some presents for my mom, and then came home to face my kitchen and make some cookies and a macaroni and cheese casserole for my brother’s work party tomorrow night. I won’t get time to make anything tomorrow, because, well, I’m super busy all the time at work. My brother’s sad and single and so he invited me to go with him to his party for work. I’m glad to go, and I hope it serves to boost my spirits a bit, but really I’m just wondering if I can spare the time to go and have fun. I have a lot of other things on my mind. Tuesday afternoon is the Daycare Christmas party, and I have to be *on* for that. And make the food and prepare the activities and get Santa ready and give out gifts and that sort of thing. When I think about it, it sounds like a lot of fun, but I know inside that it’ll just be more busyness.
On top of those things, the Dentist is coming to town on Tuesday as well and I need to see him. I couldn’t be more afraid of the Dentist if I tried to be, and it just feels like doom and gloom looming over me.
Then on Wednesday, it’s the Children’s Christmas Program at the ‘big school’, so I have to go and get my kids to say their parts. Though with little kids, you can never know what they’re gonna do. Whether they’ll say their lines, throw up, pee... well, we’ll find out.
You’re listening to the rantings of someone who really needs some time off. I was asked if I wanted to do a float with my kids for the children’s parade that went ahead yesterday, and I said no. I felt bad and I still do, but I just couldn’t do it. I selfishly needed my Saturday. Oh well.
I get a few days off over Christmas, and I get off for holidays on Friday morning, so that’s not so bad. But between now and then, it’s really busy. And then after that, my department is throwing a Christmas Eve bash like they do every year, so I have to work at that on Saturday, and I hope I feel a lot better before then, because my heart is just not in it at the moment.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Unrequited Love
Ah, Benny wrote this. Read it if you want. :)
Is there anything worse than being in the throes of unrequited love? If you've ever been trapped in that situation you'll know the feelings of true heartache and loss. How can something that feels so real and so deep be a mistake?
There are two sides to unrequited love: the lover and the rejecter, but perhaps the only one familiar to us is the lover. In reality, though, the rejecter also experiences a range of unpleasant emotions on a par with those of the suitor such as frustration and guilt.
Unrequited love is commonly regarded as a noble, selfless and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and mouldy sooner. I beg to differ; in my experience nothing good comes from unrequited love. Any lingering hope on the part of the lover is a false hope and of no value. It is neither noble nor wise to all unrequited love to linger but better to accept its existence in order to overcome and move past the sorrow. Otherwise it's like pouring something of great value down a drain.
The world is full of thieves who want to take away from you everything that is good; thieves such as bad circumstances, mental illness or spiteful people. These things can bring about the appearance of unrequited love whereas in reality, the love is indeed reciprocated. In, I'm sure, many circumstances the object of a person’s love does not know how to respond or is simply not aware of deep affection another has for them. The chance of this being the case is cause for many to hang on to someone, believing that in time they will 'come around'.
On a personal level, I've been on both sides of this equation. When I was younger, I allowed myself to become attached to unobtainable women. I guess it made me feel alive on some level as in my heart I felt I'd never really be with anyone.. that relationships were simply too difficult for me to attain or maintain. More recently, I've considered I may be the object of other people's love that I'm not able to return because I just don't feel the same. As someone who wants everyone to be happy and someone who loves to help other's other, the situation is problematic at best and one I'm only beginning to learn how to handle properly. On one hand it's good to be straight with someone but on the other it's good to not hurt their feelings. In this context, it's impossible to find an outcome that's immediately satisfying for both parties. It's no wonder so many people are wary of loving or of being loved.
Does anyone think about the unrequited love of God? Presiding over a world filled with people who don't want to know him, deny him or give no more than half measures. We give him so little in return but he still loves us just the same. He of all people would know best of all what it is like to be rejected by those he loves.
Is there anything worse than being in the throes of unrequited love? If you've ever been trapped in that situation you'll know the feelings of true heartache and loss. How can something that feels so real and so deep be a mistake?
There are two sides to unrequited love: the lover and the rejecter, but perhaps the only one familiar to us is the lover. In reality, though, the rejecter also experiences a range of unpleasant emotions on a par with those of the suitor such as frustration and guilt.
Unrequited love is commonly regarded as a noble, selfless and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and mouldy sooner. I beg to differ; in my experience nothing good comes from unrequited love. Any lingering hope on the part of the lover is a false hope and of no value. It is neither noble nor wise to all unrequited love to linger but better to accept its existence in order to overcome and move past the sorrow. Otherwise it's like pouring something of great value down a drain.
The world is full of thieves who want to take away from you everything that is good; thieves such as bad circumstances, mental illness or spiteful people. These things can bring about the appearance of unrequited love whereas in reality, the love is indeed reciprocated. In, I'm sure, many circumstances the object of a person’s love does not know how to respond or is simply not aware of deep affection another has for them. The chance of this being the case is cause for many to hang on to someone, believing that in time they will 'come around'.
On a personal level, I've been on both sides of this equation. When I was younger, I allowed myself to become attached to unobtainable women. I guess it made me feel alive on some level as in my heart I felt I'd never really be with anyone.. that relationships were simply too difficult for me to attain or maintain. More recently, I've considered I may be the object of other people's love that I'm not able to return because I just don't feel the same. As someone who wants everyone to be happy and someone who loves to help other's other, the situation is problematic at best and one I'm only beginning to learn how to handle properly. On one hand it's good to be straight with someone but on the other it's good to not hurt their feelings. In this context, it's impossible to find an outcome that's immediately satisfying for both parties. It's no wonder so many people are wary of loving or of being loved.
Does anyone think about the unrequited love of God? Presiding over a world filled with people who don't want to know him, deny him or give no more than half measures. We give him so little in return but he still loves us just the same. He of all people would know best of all what it is like to be rejected by those he loves.
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