Sometimes it's hard to really express how you feel on a blog. It's kind of like a one-sided conversation, where you get to get everything off your chest, but it's not so satisfying because you don't get a proper reaction or the kind of back-and-forth banter that a person like me needs.
But I'll give it a go here.
I feel tired -- and that's a royal understatement -- from being so ill upon my return from the UK. That's a terribly long and drawn out story, but the short of it is: Strep throat - Unknown lung infection - Pneumonia. My doctor has said it will take a good long time for my voice to come back to what it should be, and for me not to feel so tired, and I'm finding that he's right. I come home from work and I'm so very very tired, it's unreal. I really can't find the energy to do anything else. I work and I sleep, and somewhere in between, I muster up the energy it takes to sufficently bother and annoy people on CTUK. I'm finding that being so tired is really starting to affect my moods. I'm frustrated with myself physically, that it's taking so long for me to get fully well, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend to my kids and their parents that I'm back up to snuff.
Speaking of my job, I've been promoted, yay! It would be more of a yay if I wasn't so exhausted and having to take on so much extra work. But it's still a yay because I have a new house to fund, and a couple weeks ago I was facing losing my job altogether. I'll take my blessings from wherever they come!
Speaking of having a new house, I have a new house! Yay again! Aside from being too tired to do any work on it, it's a fabulous development. I've painted it mostly purple, and I call it my 'doll's house', and I'm just waiting for my furniture to come from SJ, so I can move in. And there's no internet and no prospect of getting any internet, eeeeek! So, not looking forward to that. We'll have to deal with it like we have been dealing with everything else. It'll no doubt turn out to be wildly expensive if it's like anything else we've done.
I guess what I've really wanted to talk about is... how do you move on when you've planned something, aspired to something, hoped for something, strived, craved, desperately wanted something, finally got the thing you wanted, and it wasn't all you had hoped it would be? I found gradeschool to be hard, and I worked at it and was driven to graduate and I did, and it felt good. And I found university harder and I was more determined than I'd ever been and I accomplished my degree, and it felt really good. But sometimes, you only get to do the work, and to wish and to dream, without the outcome or the pay off you were counting on. And when you've built something up in your mind to be wonderful and it turns out to be less than so, how do you move on from there? Do you aspire to something else? Do you make excuses for why it didn't go as planned? Do you pretend it never happened? Do you let the dream die? And if you're someone like me, who takes everything to heart, do you pretend to everyone else that it's not your fault when you know that it was? I guess I just don't see the justice in putting yourself into something and having others reap the benefits. Others enjoy what you've worked hard to build and maintain. How do you move on when you feel so utterly cheated?
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